Inside This Earnest Heart
Two blog entries in one day? That's a record for me.
There is something I wrestle with a lot in my life, but it's a something I can't put a tidy label on and just come out and say. I hope this blog entry will unveil it to some coherent extent.
I think I'm a pretty involved and active person. I like to stay busy-- working, spending time with the people I love, staying informed about the world, singing, doing church stuff, and trying to learn more about and save the planet. But sometimes I think I try to stay so on top of things, even when I'm not, that I overwhelm myself. I want so much for every drop of my life, everything I do, to convey a sense of meaning and purpose, to do good, that I am hard on myself when I think that I'm not achieving this. Then I'll have periods of time when I "re-bestow" (forgive me if this is not a word) upon myself a whole new set of responsibilities. I tell myself to sign more petitions that I receive in the mail about passing climate legislation or helping children in Africa get educated; have more meaningful conversations with people; read more news, eat everything local; buy all green clothing; begin an intense workout regimen and stick to it; and the list continues. I'll be so inspired by something I read, watch, or listen to, that I will want to begin making changes immediately. I am an idealist by nature-- I want my life to be about making things better, but I don't always grasp how to be practical about it.
But then everyday life continues. I check my email and tell myself I'll read and answer those petitions from numerous organizations later, I'll exercise tomorrow, and I'll just eat this [insert food here] filled with chemicals I can't pronounce and picked by people who can't feed their families, just for right now. Just writing this produces such deep guilt that all I want to do is get up from this chair and do everything differently immediately. I set such high expectations for myself that I become overwhelmed and ultimately no change is implemented. I wake up the next morning and do my tasks (sometimes lie around), and carry out whatever plans I've made without always thinking about or putting into practice the environmental and social justice values that I claim are so important to me.
What I think I need to bear in mind is the importance of adding or removing one or two things to my life at a time, like eating only locally/humanely raised meat and reading the newspaper every day, and make them habits. I can't change the world by myself overnight. I also have to feel and acknowledge all of the little wonders that I experience every day. For example, just this summer, in a matter of eight short weeks, I was able to be in relationship with over 100 children. I heard their stories and their laughter and was constantly reminded of the hope that there is in this world even when things are so bad for so many people. Maybe I didn't feed an entire nation, but I helped feed a neighborhood of children lunch during the week. Maybe I didn't clean up the Gulf of Mexico, but I talked to my students about it, and I felt my heart warm when sixth grader Orlando told me he was sad about all the animals affected by the spill.
The change will occur, but I must be reminded that it is gradual. Does anyone else relate to this?
There is something I wrestle with a lot in my life, but it's a something I can't put a tidy label on and just come out and say. I hope this blog entry will unveil it to some coherent extent.
I think I'm a pretty involved and active person. I like to stay busy-- working, spending time with the people I love, staying informed about the world, singing, doing church stuff, and trying to learn more about and save the planet. But sometimes I think I try to stay so on top of things, even when I'm not, that I overwhelm myself. I want so much for every drop of my life, everything I do, to convey a sense of meaning and purpose, to do good, that I am hard on myself when I think that I'm not achieving this. Then I'll have periods of time when I "re-bestow" (forgive me if this is not a word) upon myself a whole new set of responsibilities. I tell myself to sign more petitions that I receive in the mail about passing climate legislation or helping children in Africa get educated; have more meaningful conversations with people; read more news, eat everything local; buy all green clothing; begin an intense workout regimen and stick to it; and the list continues. I'll be so inspired by something I read, watch, or listen to, that I will want to begin making changes immediately. I am an idealist by nature-- I want my life to be about making things better, but I don't always grasp how to be practical about it.
But then everyday life continues. I check my email and tell myself I'll read and answer those petitions from numerous organizations later, I'll exercise tomorrow, and I'll just eat this [insert food here] filled with chemicals I can't pronounce and picked by people who can't feed their families, just for right now. Just writing this produces such deep guilt that all I want to do is get up from this chair and do everything differently immediately. I set such high expectations for myself that I become overwhelmed and ultimately no change is implemented. I wake up the next morning and do my tasks (sometimes lie around), and carry out whatever plans I've made without always thinking about or putting into practice the environmental and social justice values that I claim are so important to me.
What I think I need to bear in mind is the importance of adding or removing one or two things to my life at a time, like eating only locally/humanely raised meat and reading the newspaper every day, and make them habits. I can't change the world by myself overnight. I also have to feel and acknowledge all of the little wonders that I experience every day. For example, just this summer, in a matter of eight short weeks, I was able to be in relationship with over 100 children. I heard their stories and their laughter and was constantly reminded of the hope that there is in this world even when things are so bad for so many people. Maybe I didn't feed an entire nation, but I helped feed a neighborhood of children lunch during the week. Maybe I didn't clean up the Gulf of Mexico, but I talked to my students about it, and I felt my heart warm when sixth grader Orlando told me he was sad about all the animals affected by the spill.
The change will occur, but I must be reminded that it is gradual. Does anyone else relate to this?
Honey -- I DO know what you mean! But remember -- you are at the age when habits are just beginning to form. And remember -- you are not sole responsible for the well-being of the planet -- just your little corner. And we've got this "Kingdom-of-God" thing we believe in, so it helps to remember who's ultimately working to make everything right. I'm so proud of you!
ReplyDeleteOr not eating meat at all.
ReplyDelete