Comparison, Mental Health & My Journey with Self-Doubt
This post is inteded to be a bit more personally reflective, and less about my thoughts on an event or idea--though I suppose these separations are not actually all that separate! And one more disclaimer: I'm getting a little vulnerable here. It's a bit scary, but something is telling me to share it.
I read an article this afternoon about how Facebook has been recently linked to depression and a general lack of mental health, particularly related to the idea of "social comparison," and our tendency to link our own validation and worth with how folks receive us on social media.
It has often been easy for me to dismiss this as behavior that somehow doesn't apply to me- that I am secure enough in my self and my own accomplisments/ideas/etc. that whatever I choose to post on Facebook related to my identity, my passions, or my activities is not so attached to how people respond to it.
Most the time, this is true. Whether or not people "like" my article that shows "how woke I am" because I am commenting on "x" social justice article does not usually affect me.
But lately, especially as a graduate student in the midst of so much discernment about who I am and what I am called to (to use language from cultures of spirituality/theology of which I am a part), I find myself too easily spiraling into negative self-talk when scrolling through my Facebook feed. The innovative work and ideas of my friends and colleagues--their attention to so many important issues, their work as activitists and writers and academics, their sermons and speeches and calls to action--is inspiring. And sometimes reading through them makes me feel like my own work and activities are somehow not enough. "What am I even doing? Am I enough?"
I know the resources that I can turn to when I'm in this spiral of self-doubt. I can ask questions about my own family of origin and my own mental and emotional struggles linked to the fears and desires that are at the core of my being. I can turn to a mantra- a phrase to utter to myself and to center me in being present to that particular moment. I can call or text my incredibly supportive husband or a friend and share my struggle honestly, openly, vulnerably. I can open a book of cards and well-wishes and photos from my recent wedding and be overwhelmed with love. I can turn to gratitude.
And what a gift these things are. I pray that I might see them as such, and use them. And even so, the spiral of self-doubt can be very, very hard to get out of.
For all of my dreams and ambitions, my experiences and hopes and plans for ministry and working with others toward a world of justice and peace, I still struggle--and will continue to struggle--with my own tender, fragile self: the self that too often forgets that I am loved just as I am; that what I do is important, but is not everything; that the kindness and understanding and acceptance I attempt to embody and share with others every day is important, and that it grounds anything else I might go about doing.
The paradox embedded in those serving/helping/reforming needing reform/service/help shows itself with remarkable clarity: The lessons I might share with others about the importance of mentalhealth and graciousness and compassion towards self and others, are the very lessons I need to hear most.
Self-doubt is an all-too familar and unwanted companion in my life. My guess is that it affects all of us in some way. I pray that comparison games might not overwhelm us. I pray for more thoughtful use of social media, and for room for conversations about its affects on all of our lives in our age of hyper-connectivity.
There is much work to do be done in this world of beauty and pain, uncertainty, injustice and mystery. In my and our response, I hope and pray to be grounded in the love that God/Love/Universe has already placed within each of us--even before we know it. And if we can't find it ourselves, I pray that we can find it in one another. I have never been more convinced that it is what will truly save us.
I read an article this afternoon about how Facebook has been recently linked to depression and a general lack of mental health, particularly related to the idea of "social comparison," and our tendency to link our own validation and worth with how folks receive us on social media.
It has often been easy for me to dismiss this as behavior that somehow doesn't apply to me- that I am secure enough in my self and my own accomplisments/ideas/etc. that whatever I choose to post on Facebook related to my identity, my passions, or my activities is not so attached to how people respond to it.
Most the time, this is true. Whether or not people "like" my article that shows "how woke I am" because I am commenting on "x" social justice article does not usually affect me.
But lately, especially as a graduate student in the midst of so much discernment about who I am and what I am called to (to use language from cultures of spirituality/theology of which I am a part), I find myself too easily spiraling into negative self-talk when scrolling through my Facebook feed. The innovative work and ideas of my friends and colleagues--their attention to so many important issues, their work as activitists and writers and academics, their sermons and speeches and calls to action--is inspiring. And sometimes reading through them makes me feel like my own work and activities are somehow not enough. "What am I even doing? Am I enough?"
I know the resources that I can turn to when I'm in this spiral of self-doubt. I can ask questions about my own family of origin and my own mental and emotional struggles linked to the fears and desires that are at the core of my being. I can turn to a mantra- a phrase to utter to myself and to center me in being present to that particular moment. I can call or text my incredibly supportive husband or a friend and share my struggle honestly, openly, vulnerably. I can open a book of cards and well-wishes and photos from my recent wedding and be overwhelmed with love. I can turn to gratitude.
And what a gift these things are. I pray that I might see them as such, and use them. And even so, the spiral of self-doubt can be very, very hard to get out of.
For all of my dreams and ambitions, my experiences and hopes and plans for ministry and working with others toward a world of justice and peace, I still struggle--and will continue to struggle--with my own tender, fragile self: the self that too often forgets that I am loved just as I am; that what I do is important, but is not everything; that the kindness and understanding and acceptance I attempt to embody and share with others every day is important, and that it grounds anything else I might go about doing.
The paradox embedded in those serving/helping/reforming needing reform/service/help shows itself with remarkable clarity: The lessons I might share with others about the importance of mentalhealth and graciousness and compassion towards self and others, are the very lessons I need to hear most.
Self-doubt is an all-too familar and unwanted companion in my life. My guess is that it affects all of us in some way. I pray that comparison games might not overwhelm us. I pray for more thoughtful use of social media, and for room for conversations about its affects on all of our lives in our age of hyper-connectivity.
There is much work to do be done in this world of beauty and pain, uncertainty, injustice and mystery. In my and our response, I hope and pray to be grounded in the love that God/Love/Universe has already placed within each of us--even before we know it. And if we can't find it ourselves, I pray that we can find it in one another. I have never been more convinced that it is what will truly save us.
Comments
Post a Comment